Fun Things For Tourists To Do In Melbourne

“I’m come to Melbourne where are you for plan to taking me?”

This is your expectant, non-English speaking guest arriving at your house ready to be dazzled by the many wonderful sights and sounds that your hometown has to offer.

“??????!??!!!???***##??#??**!!!???”

This is you because like whaaaaat are the things to do/see in Melbourne that you can’t do/see everywhere else?

Yeah, Melbourne is awesome and for sure the best place to live in the world, I mean there’s only probably two train lines that you feel like you might get stabbed on (Frankston and Dandenong/Packenham lines represent), but let’s face it, it’s maybe not the greatest place ever to visit. For starters Melbourne is pretentious as fuck. There’s a dress code for teenage dropkicks hanging around at shopping centers and parks. And it’s Ralph Loren polos. Our airport is wickedly inaccessible by public transport so you either have to be loaded enough to be able to drop about 50 dollars in a taxi fare and not flinch or KNOW SOMEONE who can pick you up. Rumour has it there is an airport bus, but I’m uncertain where any of the pick up/drop off points are and I have a feeling you have to be in some secret, underground organisation to be able to get on it.

Truthfully, as a city, we feel like we don’t have to try with tourists, we’re just confident you’re going to try and come here anyway. We’re not bringing anything historical or monumental to the table and the things that are kind of awe-inspiring are like temporary art installations in the City Square car park. Swoon.

So, what’s a host to do? So much pressure to be fun and entertaining all the time how are you going to cope you cant possibly manage all on your own in a desperate, well meaning but ill-equipped one man show of hospitality.

Just relax, we got yo back.

THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE OF OBLIGATION

Eureka Tower – Every city has a motherfucking tower that is certainly less mediocre than ours. Pay your money to go up high and get it over and done with.

Parliament House – Do you have to take people here? I don’t know?

The Big Wheel That Broke That Time – Extreme sports! Living on the edge! Not a fan of this as an attraction to ‘put Melbourne on the map’ because a) been done and London’s one is (Y) and ours pails in comparison, b) it’s expensive, c) it’s in Docklands which, unless you actually live in Docklands, is all kinds of messed up to get to.

The Shrine – Good that we have one, not tones to offer in the way of incredible war memorials. It’s PC and it’s respectful, so no harm done.

GLAD THAT’S OVER. Now for the fun stuff

Camberwell Market – Legit Melbourne and highly underrated. The greatest place ever because if I know tourists, and I think I do, they love buying unnecessary paraphernalia and used items for low cost. It’s a sport. Don’t fight me on this.

To a lesser degree Queen Vic Market – Overrated and full of tourists and people and souvenir vendors. They are everywhere. Go for the doughnuts and DEFINITELY go if it’s summer and the night markets are on and eat all the foods.

Mornington Peninsula – Essentially you are taking them to the Melbourne equivalent of The Hamptons where we all summer and it’s fabulous. Perks; not too far so you can day trip and also it redeems the wasteland inner-city beaches that have probably scarred your guests. Special shout out to McCrae for being disgustingly beautiful and not as overrun as Sorrento.

Peninsula Hot Springs – Ultimate vacay destination because, I don’t know what it is about holidays, but people love bathing in their own filth and the filth of other tourists. Also, the view is gorgeous. Also makes you feel like a celebrity.

Aquarium + the Zoo – Like, yes, every place has one of these and you’re rolling your eyes right now but AUSTRALIAN ANIMALS. You probably don’t care at all, but believe me the weird as shit fauna we got is a big turn on for tourists.

MCG – NOT for a tour ONLY when there’s a footy match on.

Immigration museum + Melbourne Museum – So fun so learning! Actually worthwhile destinations to take your visitors on because it actually teaches you a whole bunch of stuff about Melbourne and there is a heap of cool historical shit that went down that you don’t even know about. Bonus: very accessible via public transport.