Ghetto Blasters, Bon Jovi and Lycra

It’s been almost three years since the Real Hot Bitches claimed their stake in Melbourne, and the colorful bunch of lycra enthusiasts are showing no signs of slowing down. Following their great success in Wellington, New Zealand, ‘Bitch Mistress’ Molly Moonshine (as she prefers to be known) came to Melbourne and rounded up like-minded folk with a love for all things 80s to begin what would become the official Melbourne branch of the Real Hot Bitches moniker. “It took awhile to get the word out, but after recruiting a Bitch dressed in a simply stunning unitard on a tram on a Saturday night, it all sort of snowballed from there,” Moonshine says.

The ‘Bitches’, as they’re known for short, describe themselves as an 80s dance troupe with a love for lycra, leotards, legwarmers, mullet wigs and of course the indelible hits of the 80s that many would surely sooner forget. Well, not the Real Hot Bitches. Grabbing the likes of Prince, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and Cyndi Lauper by the short and curlies, the Real Hot Bitches have been known to break out into their leaping, gyrating dance moves at warehouse parties, festivals, and a plethora of other events around Melbourne and interstate.

“Our first gig was at the very first Spill [the Melbourne-based art collective] warehouse party, where we busted our moves to a crowd of over 900 drunken people,” says Moonshine. Since then the Melbourne Bitches have branched out, performing at a stack of events around Melbourne including gigs with The Last Tuesday Society, a dance-a-thon at the North Melbourne Town Hall with the renowned Town Bikes performance duo, and sell-out shows at both the 2009 and 2010 Fringe Festivals. The troupe have also brought their leotards along to Rainbow Serpent festival, shot music videos, and taken down unsuspecting civilians in true flash-mob style by breaking out into impromptu routines in public. “Rocking up to High Vibes festival in Northcote randomly with just our ghetto blaster was loads of fun,” recalls Moonshine. “We plan to do more ‘guerrilla bitching’ like that this summer.”

Moonshine is quick to point out that the ‘dance troupe’ label can be misleading. The Real Hot Bitches value enthusiasm over dance technique, with one of the many bitching mottos being ‘what we lack in technique, we make up for with passion’. In fact, says Moonshine, “the less you can dance the better, as long as you have a bitching attitude and can channel your inner bitch with passion.” She continues, “we don’t want trained dancers to join because we might put their moves to shame and we don’t want to embarrass them.”

So can anyone be a bitch then?

Almost. “You must first think you’re hot and that you look hot in lycra,” says Moonshine with unfaltering seriousness. “As long as you believe this, it’s true. You must have a passion for the 80s and love the feel of lycra against your skin.” The prerequisites continue: “You must have smoldering stage presence and be really good at air guitar, live by the bitching motto ‘more is more’ and never buy your ‘tards from Supre or American Apparel – the Real Hot Bitches are 80s purists after all.”

But before any wannabe bitches feel disheartened by the long list of Moonshine’s requirements, rest assured: anyone – male or female – is invited to come along to their practice nights in East Brunwsick’s IRENE Warehouse. Moonshine finishes on the important note: “We don’t pick bitches. Bitches pick us.”